It’s ironically interesting to consider how many female innovaters and creators throughout history have rejected the institution of marriage in favor of the freedom that came from not wanting to exclusivelt fit the mould set out for them.
And we often look back at figures like Emily Bronte,Emily Dickinson etc. And think “Society has progressed so far that women need not be so-called social outcasts to achieve their dreams”. But I argue that we are not as far as we like to give ourselves credit for.
There are still many who believe that to be married and be wife and mother is the highest calling of women. It’s more ingrained in our culture than we care to admit and more so in African and Asian cultures that are still heavily traditional.
Pressure to ‘complete’ our dreams/education by a certain time before you settle down suggests to me we still have limits. We’re still tethered by expectations that by certain ages or accomplishments we stop being us and start being woman.
We’re encouraged to be modern but deep down there’s a part ingrained (at least in a few girls like me) that reminds us “this is still a mans world and respect that. That is the way things are, you can choose but not from any tree because you are still different; flawed in comparison to a male child.”
A woman’s honor is still measured by her dress, her company, her virginity and sexual experience in ways that guys still don’t have to subscribe to.
On the flip side a man is not a man unless he is lustful, hypermasculine and “not afraid” especially to show that he is the smartet, dominant force in a situation with another women.
My call isn’t to radicalise us all to a feminist march. More personal than that, I think we all owe it to ourselves to challenge those little limits and sayings that put us in a box.
Question the intention and possible outcome of another’s ‘advice’ in our lives. Do they say this from a place of traditional safety because that is all they know to say or because they know you and want you do somethig remarkable in the world. To build our lives in such a way we dismantle the things that hold us back from our dreams from the root and heal the underlying issue/craving. Maybe I am naive to believe that African culture can coexist with modern freedom but until proven otherwise, I will live this out. Otherwise if we do have a timeline, a certain checklist that degrades us bacl to obhects or mindless things, I don’t want to play. Even if it means that the rejection of married life; as long as it means freedom.
Speak not to me of love,
But of friendship so
“love” seems overrated
Speak not to me of love,
But of laughter so wide and deep and Bursting
It hurts to be that happy
Speak not to me of love,
But of tangible uncertainty
Because when push comes to shove and you’re sure that your in love
Something always comes along to show you that you are not.
It wasnt “Meant to be”
He was not your “soul-mate”
It wasn’t “destiny”
Speak not to me of love,
But of quiet hope.
A seed of possibility resurrected from a graveyard
Speak not to me of love,
And one day
When we are older and wiser
Our hearts much calmer
We will find each other
And speak of those things
We pushed and we pulled,
Taught and learned,
Scratch, kissed and held
Belonging to another
At least for now
We are smooth and defiant
Like the quirk on your brow
Shy smiles on soft skin
Bullets of day break infiltrated our solace, Stole our serenity
I closed my eyes.
I didn’t want you to go.
So I said,
“You need to go”
Yin to my Yang
We will push and we will pull.
Emotional pain caused by people on a social level has probably been a constant factor to deal since society’s beginings. Friction in social groups is inevitable and usually results in some type of conflict and resolution. (anecdotal and observational evidence from my life and Animal Planet).
It’s at that stage of resolution that emotions run high. More than the end of a problem, it signals the beginning of something more; the beginning of closure. The beginning of healing.
(Lovely read: https://www.google.co.uk/amp/thoughtcatalog.com/jamie-varon/2014/09/why-we-need-to-move-on-when-its-time-to-move-on/amp/)
This is where Social Media fucks it up.
We don’t get closure in ways that we should when we’re too subscribed to SM. In many ways we are all like celebrities, our lives on constant blast to an audience and when messy plot points arise you have to either try and erase evidence of the conflict (i.e. delete all the pictures with your friend/ex and unfollow them and their friends) or live in vague reminder that it happened (having mutual friends on SM so you see glimpses of their new lives, through the rose-gold tinted glasses.)
And it can be painful to be constantly reminded of things you need to time to process or would rather forget.
Which is what has happened to me recently. The evidence is all there and because of the highlighted nature of SM we’re not meant to openly talk about shit that goes down. So were kind of distanced from some of the people we need whilstt supposedly having the most access to them. It’s a damaging dichotomy.
Then to be bombarded with the idealized versions of everyone’s lives and perfection of advertise adds to any hurt/self loathing/general negativity.
Today, in any type if break up you’ve got to let yourself have time off the SM and just breathe. Sometimes you are tempted to release those screenshots and defend your honour.
Have people take your side and expose the vilian… or maybe that’s just me….
Recovery comes in many forms for everyone. Let yourself regrow outside of the artificial light.
We are here today due to the untimely death of our goldfish Gigi Marco who passed peacefully during the early hours of Thursday 1st of June.
After living with us for just over a month he brought us great joy and love since his adoption.
The first and best fish we ever had, Gigi was named after the pet talking cat in ghibli’s The Cat Returns and Marco after the dude in Season 1 of Attack in Titans . Just like him he was a real soldier and his cause of death unknown.
A true member of the Mphoka Family he will be dearly missed for his shimmering orange and silver scales, the way he immediately swam up for food and the way he played with bubbles.
In this time of greif we must not forget the lessons he taught us about care, sensitivity and love.
He etched a goldlfish shaped spot in our hearts and he will be very deeply missed.
In the words of the famous fish, Dory I implore us all to “Keep Swimming”.
My first goldfish died. When we bought him at the fair, the day after I came home for my last holiday before finals in First Year it was very symbolic to me. It was about the bond my youngest sister and I had, doing something we weren’t technically allowed to do but doing it together out of cheekiness. About co-parenting in a way; learning how to care for something else and all
His life as his death was such a learning curve. He taught us so much by just being a fish. Genuine anxiety, joy and Care were daily requirements.
I kept it light because on one hand comedy alleviated any sorrow and on the other he was just a fish.
Death is so inevitable. When it is time it is time. I felt that where we can, let our attachment be attachment and our grief not be all poisoning. And let love and understanding create wisdom in us. It’s different with people we love I know but my main point being it’s equally about what happens after to the survivors as was the life of the deceased.
I feel like I’m the only one from this generation who finds it difficult to live in this world of over documentation. Constantly telling everyone in your life where you are, what you’re eating, how you’re feeling, who you’re with and generally trying to document all the little moments is not only draining and time consuming but especially dangerous to the human ability (arguable need) to just sit and be. To look at rain and let our thoughts drift.
It almost feels like you’re not supposed to not tell people what you’re doing. Which is so false. Because in reality we know no one cares about every detail yet we still post in hopes of what- validation? Envy?
Many of us subscribe to the “I post therefore I am” mindset. It can be addicting because we genuinely want to be better and show people how were doing but do so even when we’re not okay.
We also want constant entertainment. Our threshold for humour, political news and even motivation is so high- we need it to be short,straight to the point, presented in an exciting way.
It’s contrary to building discipline. resilience and long term motivation. Things we need to strive in the real world.
Social Media so voyeuristic at the very least. But to leave social media on all of its entirety is also anxiety ridden. Why? Fear of missing out? As being viewed as backward and caveman-ish? I think what we fear the most is when we turn off our screens and delete all our accounts, what’s left will be so disappointing and pitiful and we’ll finally have to face ourselves. See ourselves for what we truly are.
That fear has driven humanity to the extremes of war and now an endless digital distraction to cloud over the mirror for good.
I don’t know if I should even write this post seeing as I highlighy doubt there are regular readers/viewers to my vlog my blog. But that’s okay. I remembered that I don’t primarily write for other people. Sure, if my content makes people feel some type of way I am happy. But even in the absence of attention I would still like to express myself via words. And so I am.
BACK to the point. Why I’ve been AWOL? I’ve been lazy and scared.
This is harsh considering that I’ve just completed my first year of university experiencing, juggling and working through a lot. I’ve transformed so much and in the light of that I allowed things that I used to put a lot of effort in to take a back seat as I just experienced and let myself be young. Not to mention I was busy af. Then, since school blew over I’ve been at home being a lazy cat and trying to muster enough motivation to give my life some new shape and meaning.
That shits hard.
Hard for me because I’ve finally come to this crossroad in the child-to-adult transition where I finally admit and accept that I cannot become amazing at every single one of my hobbies and interests. Even when if I was working at “full capacity” as I have strived to in the past I wasn’t allowing myself the time to just absorb. And I learnt that I need that balance between high productivity and ‘floating’ time for my personal growth . So I’m going to have to let go of a few goals and things I thought I would eventually come back to in the summer. Maybe I’ll pick them up again in the future- who knows. But for now on my path I am giving myself p
I didn’t know what to post up first. My ideas feel like clouds and whilst I’ve worked on some pretty substantial stuff over the past academic year, I’ve also catalogued lots of ideas I’m just no longer feeling and thus was in a kind of “MEH” about coming on here and sharing half baked ideas and writing.
Ambivalence towards a piece of your work is usually not a great feeling for me. Usually means I should just toss it but I’m too afraid of losing. In a way. But I am facing tem fears as of now and will forge on to write.
SO the point?
The point is I’m going to start posting as regularly as possible. I want my writing to improve. I want people to read my stuff and follow my life in a more personal and intimate way (if you want to. Not as voyeuristic as Social Media).
In many ways it scares me because I know that out of all my SM presence, this is as personal and vulnerable as I get. But it’s also exciting. I can’t wait to document and take you with me on my life’s journey.