Fear of Intimacy

I have a fear of intimacy.

 

Why did it take so long to find this out?

Probably because my body will say yes to so many things but leave me so confused when it suddenly switches off. It checks out. As if to protect me from rising because of the inevitable fall.

I though that it was just the fear of being caught. The  fear of doing something wrong that created my disdain.

Maybe not.

I thought it was just the lack of experience. Again my stringent religious upbringing. But that doesn’t turn off your sensitivity the need to…does it?

I am so fucked up. I know why I am fucked up and still chose to ignore it, pretending that when opportunity presented itself I would be okay. I would be ready to go able, to STOP THINKING AND JUST FEEEEL. But I didn’t. I can’t. Because what happened happened and it changed my life forever.

silly. deceptive. This is how I feel all the damn time. Because I have managed to perform the biggest illusion in the world. I have fooled everyone I know that I am alright including MYSELF. But my mind and body and soul know otherwise. And they will not let me forget until I face it.

I could keep at it. Let it ruin me but still salvage a life happy and acceptable. Beautiful even. Deal with it later.

Or I let the demons out now.

 

 

Unfinished Poem #1

It started in the places of the Bible’s ambiguity,

That sin began to flourish and uproot my purity

 

Alone I struggled to ‘fight that good fight’

But it always hit hardest when I closed my eyes at night

 

Till one day I couldn’t take it anymore

I was tired of pretending perfection was in my core.

 

The voices of my parents, my family and friends

drove me to a point where I decided “This is the end”

I Praise

You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing… that I might sing praises and not be silent.

-Psalm 30:11-12

 

They praise the flat stomach, perky boobs and flawless make up.

I praise authenticity, true laughter, no make and no filter.

 

They praise the aesthetically pleasing, the art of moderation and delicacy.

I praise the messy and bold- the unapologetic.

 

They praise degrees, houses and vacations.

I praise travelling, home and education.

 

They praise the extraordinary celebrity success.

I praise the ordinary miracles.

 

And whilst they praise gods that thrive on hypocrisy and segregation,

I praise a God of life, love and liberation.

 

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/praise/

DRAMATIC

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/dramatic/

Don’t talk to me about Dramatic.

Whilst most pride themselves in this art as it may suggest to some their lives are interesting, I argue the fact that I am not dramatic gives way to the craziest experiences in life.

I haven’t lived a long time but my experiences growing up, living and being educated with Dramatic (as well as dating it) have taught me  A LOT  about appreciating the simple life. You can be crazy and have an amazing life without being dramatic. Infact- avoid it. Like business it gives you the false impression you’re getting somewhere with your life.

Let me give you practical depiction of this word’s usage in my everyday life:

“Oh my God! If I don’t get into Oxford or Cambridge my life will be ruined and I will starve destitute on the streets of Liverpool”. DRAMATIC.

The obsession over celebrities espcilally on Social Media.  DRAMATIC.

Instagram level strobing, contouring and highlighting to the Drag Queen Heavens. DRAMATIC.

Like rollercoasters, dramatic people can bring exhilarating highs but terrifying lows. Also like rollercoasters, dramatic people are not always fun and can (in the worst case scenarios) ruin your life.

 

 

 

An Unforgettable Summer:

2 Months ago I wanted to write this post as a declaration to all the amazing memories I was going to create this summer in a last hurrah to childhood before university. Coming out of my last exams I had a plan. But the one thing I’ve learnt about the universe is that your plans do not hold a candle to the changes it has in store for you.

Good or bad. And we just need to learn to ride that wave. Maybe reality will be different from the shimmering curtain of your dreams but it is reality. It is your present and so we must live it as fully as possible.

The best-laid schemes o’ mice an’ men /  Gang aft agley

-Of Mice and Men

Helpless in Grief

NOTE: This article is really for the friends of someone who is grieving. I understand it is worse for the person who has lost someone. Of course it is unimaginably worse. On a day to day- more important than how I’m feeling and coping is supporting that friend or colleague. But we must not  pretend as if death does not have ripple effects in everyone. Especially when you try to empathise and understand, there are thoughts and feelings that should be talked about and expressed. This is one of my ways of doing so.

helpless
  1. unable to defend oneself or to act without help
    2. uncontrollable.

I hate the feeling of helplessness. I have always been one for action- there’s always hope even in the most futile situations, the thought of doing something to help eve against the odds is my natural inclination. With hope and optimism I determined to forge on in the worst circumstances because things always got better

But when my best friend’s dad died, the word took a whole new meaning.

It meant isolation and paralysis. Because this was a permanent condition, an un-fixable, un-helpable situation. It was a problem to which there was no solution. And the immense implications of living with that was something else.

I felt helpless that I was only human with unanswered prayers.

I felt helpless watching my friend be torn in pieces.

I feel helpless watching her feel helpless

I remember going to the funeral and trying my best every single day that week to uplift the spirits of the people around me but feeling so broken because there was nothing I could do to make my friend feel better and whole again. That really broke me in a way I had never been broken before.

Another thing is coming to terms with balancing when to be strong and when to be weak. I never knew when or with who and so I tended. I remember my emotions being very uncontrollable the week of the funeral. I think I was more grieving the loss of who my friend was and this catestophic change she was going to have to ungergo. Everything being thrown into turmoil for her and the idea that this was an inevitability for me cast doubt and uncertainty on everything I’d once believed in. That’s death for you.

Noteworthy, this isn’t the first death I’ve experienced. 2 Suicides and my Grandmother’s passing occurred over a year ago and each brought their own night terrors of paranoia, guilt, confusion and simply grief. I know to all of my friends it seemed like I was coping well and wasn’t too bothered about it. But in reality it messed me up in very unobvious ways for a long time. I was broken for a whole school year I’m surprised I did as well as  I did.

Things I’ve Learnt:

  • Each death is different. You will probably react very differently each time. Sometime it’s in very unobvious ways.
  • Nothing prepares you for it.
  • Even if you didn’t know the person well it can be shocking and
  • Each death causes me a new contemplation of the meaning of life and spirituality.
  • Death is such an uncomfortable topic nobody talks about. Everyone feels like they’re awkward and so no one says or does which can sometimes be helpful but most times stifling and further isolating.
  • You must personally find reasons to continue and live (not just survive). Do not condemn yourself to hell before you’re really there.

 

Death and Grief is universal across cultures even if custom and belief  differs.  Due to this I believe it is important we try our best to show our support to those in our social groups however we can. It may be uncomfortable but I know from my experiences, we all appreciate the people who tried to help us in our darkest moments.

 

T.

 

 

 

Happy Digital Sabbath

Over the Christmas Holidays last year, 2  disastrous things happened to me:

  1. I broke my laptop
  2. I broke my phone
Not intentionally obviously  but the worst part was that I was too broke to fix anyone of them until after Christmas. At first I freaked out-How in the world was I going to keep up to date? How was I going to stay in connect with any of my friends-note this was after I’d quite Facebook and without any other social media (unless you count YouTube and Pinterest)
I wondered whether my already small circle was going to think I was dead-or worse; forget about me. Sharp whips of panic infected me when I wondered what I would do to fill the hours of my holiday at home. And meeting up with friends wasn’t an option due to cultural and practical reasons.
So what was it like?
Disorientating at first- I felt left out when everyone in my family was on their gadget. Waking up and going to sleep each night without having to check anything was weird.  But it became refreshing- Suddenly,  as I didn’t need to keep up with anything, time began to still. I began to do everything at my on pace which brought so much peace and temperance

I eventually found ways to talk to my friends and when time came to go back to college and get a new phone I welcomed it because for our generation life and  technology are inextricably linked. But that doesn’t mean we should let it control our lives, subtract from experiencing or blind us from what

The best way to me is thus to take some time off-have a digital Sabbath every now and then to re-evaluate and rejuvenate.