Skin on Skin

Skin on skin
He grazed my mind
And with the easy subtilty
of his sentences

Lazy and tired,

excited and subdued

Push and pull
Intimacy
He pours
In to my sea
Of memories
Of joy
Of regret
Of sweet sorrow.

Skin on skin

With his dazzling smile,
Ever teasing.
Ever pleasing.

Til dawn broke and dashed
And reality crashed

~For Daniel

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Who Am I?

Who am I really?
Where is my home? Here? There?
Is that all we are?

 

I am blades of grass. A flower. That will bloom and shine and wither and decay.

I am dust. Piled then blown away grain by grain by grain. Scratching against the eternal.

I am sand to be built shaped and moulded then washed away by the tides come twi.

I am all countries yet none.

I am just beginning yet done.

Sports Day

Sports Day

 

The race was about to begin.

Gathering all the courage I had left, I bounced down the stadium steps and stepped on to the fire red track.

Picture the scene: Diamond blue skies, clear as an empty ocean and not the faintest cloud in sight; the sun danced and shimmered like a gold medallion directly overhead. It’s warn rays touch down on the oval stadium at which the whole school stood upon.

Sports Day. Nearly a thousand kids from the school were taking part. Everyone was dressed in the uniform white PE top and black shorts. For many it would be the best day of the school year. For others the worst.

My social life depended on this one race. Readjusting my ponytail, I looked back to my form class on the bleachers. All the girls stared at me with stony expressions on their faces. They stood, arms crossed, still as statues as if to say, “You better win. Or else.”

I swallowed hard and looked back at the track.

This is what I had been training for; for this one race. This was it. My chance to prove I had star quality in me and that I wasn’t the poor little runt of the class. I needed to win this and I was so sure it would only get worse with them if I lost. This was it. My first sports day in High school was going to be my last day being labelled as a talentless loser.

Taking my position on the starting line in lane 4, I took a last glance back to the bleachers. Hundreds of kids all around me, cheering wildly. The sun shone on their faces, illuminating each unique expression.

“On your marks”

I raised my back leg, my eyes focused on the track.

“Get Set,”

The cheers of the crowd seemed to fade as time slowed, everything so surreal.

“GO!”

The real world came crashing back as I took off. Every technique and teaching point from training was put into action. I ran. And for the first time in a while I didn’t care what was happening around me and I lost all self consciousness. I ran for me, myself and I. My heart pumping, my trainers thumping across the finish line I doubled over. Screeching cheers from my peers surrounded me. My whole body was hot and flushed.

Slowly, with hope and pride, I raised my head to the platform where my form had watched my race.

This was it…

Evening Manchester

 

Evening Manchester

 

You would think a new year means a new start. A new Manchester. As I pull up my hood of my favourite winter coat, I tread through the grey mucky streets.

Men, women and children wander the town, wrapped up in layers and layers of clothes. Their faces; blank and expressionless except for the slight smile at a not very funny joke.

As I stop walking I sense rather than notice the atmosphere of expectancy. We are all waiting. The air is heavily damp with the dank stench of fresh acidic rain and decomposing litter. I stand on the edge of the curb.

I turn my head right just as a double decker bus whizzes past me, spraying my face with muddy puddle water. The stop at which I stand at is full of all kinds of people; sophisticated business women in suits, chunky builders in blue overalls, teenage girls in super short school skirts and even the most elderly of couples.

And as the last person jumps off the bus we all begin forming a sloppy line to get on. I flash my ticket at the driver and find a seat. A faint scent of a spicy perfume hangs in the air and all I can hear is the chatter of people and passing traffic followed by the soft pitter patter of rain.

I look outside the grimy window taking in the bright lights of evening Manchester. As I settle into my seat, I say a silent good-bye to the town I grew up in, one of my many homes.

Until next time.

 

__

Written in Year 8/9 (2010-2011)

For You

You step on to the train, seconds to spare and slightly out of breath. You give a small smirk for your mini victory and set off to conquer your next battle as the train lurches into motion.

You flop down into the only booth with an empty bench and scooch over to the window seat. You sigh as you adjust your headphones, preparing for the long journey ahead.

Across from you is a girl. At first glance, nothing special. You don’t want to admit it but no one will ever be as special as SHE was to you. Despite everything SHE put you through, it boils your blood that your thoughts always goes back to HER. The lies, the pretences, false promises and sour revelations. SHE left you and yet…

To prove to yourself that you can get over HER you make the effort to give the girl across from you another look over. Walnut brown skin, natural hair pulled into a smart afropuff, wide lips and smile lines…a girl who smiles and laughs… She watches the outside fly, by her strong hands rest on the table. You can almost feel her vitality. Her chest rises and falls to the steady beat of a heart she knows to follow.

And then your eyes lock. For a moment you’re surprised by casual intensity of her gaze. Her attention holds you prisoner, your only crime? Pure intrigue about those intelligent chocolate eyes framed by thick black lashes lined with sharp black liner. In a moment you imagine them laugh, cry and spill a thousand secrets then close as you…

But in an instant it’s gone. You remember you’re strangers on a train; it’s 2017 and no one strikes random conversations anymore unless you want to seem like a creep. And besides you’re over girls and officially a player. If they’re all shallow, Insta-obsessed fakes, no one would blame you for treating them like it.

So like a fugitive, you cover up your tracks with a stone face and crossed arms; you flee from a truth so blinding it scares you to admit it.

This girl is beautiful.

Not just surface shine though, there’s something much deeper.

And maybe, just maybe, if you took a chance…Let yourself be vulnerable one more time…she might see you for more than your job,your major and your plans. Perhaps she will not only see but understand your dreams. Perhaps she will take the time to read through each page of your life story; diligently making notes, laughing and crying with you. Always and honestly rooting for you.

As she bites her lip, her eyes glossy with unshed tears, you sigh. Your fortress built of loneliness, pain and regret is the only thing (other than the train table) holding you back from something wonderful. To break it down will be a military operation. A job for a King but no sweat with your Queen by your side.

Maybe it’s time to let courage override the regret and fear. Maybe it’s time for you to fight for a woman who will feircly fight for you.

For You (a response peice)
~~TM~~

Shattered

“Gentle reader, may you never feel what I then felt! May your eyes never shed such stormy, scalding, heart-wrung tears as poured from mine. May you never appeal to Heaven in prayers so hopeless and so agised as in that hour left my lips: for never may you, like me, dread to be the instrument of evil to what you wholly love.”

Charlotte Bronte, Jane Eyre

 

Things have happened to me that have shattered and consumed me.

But like precious metal I have been purified, tried and tested.

Like pottery, I’ve been moulded and intricately carved, woven with gold and laquered with hope.

Like the phoenix, the ashes that were meant to bury me were just a nest from which I rise.

The beauty in humanity is our endurance for pain and what is created from it.

We are cruel creatures.
And when faced with the duality if our nature
Someone I thought I
trusted
shattered me
With the casual assumption
that I knew what was happening
And I was okay with it.

My Top 11 Tips for Productivity ( Especially in University)

1. Preperation begins way before Uni (get into the habit of making yourself do things and not relying on teachers/parents/ basic seld discipline, etc.)

2. Consistent planning and preperation is key. It always goes a long way. Meal Plans (even if rough, have a list of recipes you know how to cook/like eating) A go to shopping list, a meeting notes template- anything that can make your life easier and more efficient down the line is worth investing a little time, money or thought into.

3. Know yourself and develop around your preferences. If you know you like to party all weekend stagger your week to do the bulk of studying/assignments Tues/Wed/Thurs so by the weekend you can accomadate your tastes. If you’re a morning person try and wake up consistently in the morning and get your hardest tasks done early. If you’re prone to taking long naps, take yourself out of an environment that encourages napping(I.e. leave your dorm bedroom and go to the library)

4. Sort your habits. We are creatures of habit. The first 60 days of a semester/year are probs the most important as you need to establish a solid habit and stick to it.

5. You have quite a bit of free time. Fill it. It doesn’t have to be just studying but try to be productive with something. It’s always good when it relates to a goal (e.g. go to the gym, read that book, clean your room,etc.) But even if it isn’t (e.g. just finally meeting yo with frienda or going shopping) at least have something to show for your time.

6. You basically want to avoid loads of moments when you go to your dorm and think damn Idk what to do with myself and get sucked into gaming/watching/internet binge.

7. Aim for progress not perfection and Track it. Have proof to show to yourself that you are getting better at whatever you’re aiming to do. It can also be motivating and gives you incentive to improve.

8. Things not working? Diagnose the problem asap and actually do something about it. Do you always sleep in and miss your morning gym session? Maybe plan to go in the evening after work when you know you are awake and have no excuses. Or sort out your sleeeping patterns. Do you always end up eating out because you end up too tired to cook. Why are you tired, figure out a time when you’re not and try to meal prep in advance so you save money and eat healthier. The point is to find out where you are going wrong, why and then plan to work your weaknesses.

9. Power Naps CAN help if you can control yourself. Limit them to no longer than 45min.

10. Having a dedicated place to do things often. Limiting distractions and getting you into the mindset.

11. Do not compare yourself. You will either get stressed that other people are working harder than you and getting better grades or feel overconfident as you’re doing better than everyone else and become complacent. You may think that the stress helps you produce quality work. It doesn’t. In promise you. Work on tour weaknesses without it eroding your self worth.