I have a fear of intimacy.
Why did it take so long to find this out?
Probably because my body will say yes to so many things but leave me so confused when it suddenly switches off. It checks out. As if to protect me from rising because of the inevitable fall.
I though that it was just the fear of being caught. The fear of doing something wrong that created my disdain.
I thought it was just the lack of experience. Again my stringent religious upbringing. But that doesn’t turn off your sensitivity the need to…does it?
I am so fucked up. I know why I am fucked up and still chose to ignore it, pretending that when opportunity presented itself I would be okay. I would be ready to go able, to STOP THINKING AND JUST FEEEEL. But I didn’t. I can’t. Because what happened happened and it changed my life forever.
silly. deceptive. This is how I feel all the damn time. Because I have managed to perform the biggest illusion in the world. I have fooled everyone I know that I am alright including MYSELF. But my mind and body and soul know otherwise. And they will not let me forget until I face it.
I could keep at it. Let it ruin me but still salvage a life happy and acceptable. Beautiful even. Deal with it later.
Or I let the demons out now.