Today is my Birthday

SO this post is different-more like a diary like entry about my feelings today on this my birthday.

Today I am 18.

To many (e.g. church peeps) it feels like I have regressed in a way- I am no longer as bubbly and loveable as I used to be, I do not enjoy their socials as much and I am not afraid to sit in silence or walk away from a conversation that disgusts me. To them I have a darker energy. In reality I just no longer feel inclined to pretend for them anymore. I am more authentic and complete and imperfect. I have grown but in a place of facades I have really shrunk. That’s okay.

Today I am 18.

A legal adult but culturally I am still a child-not much different from my 14 year old self. It’s a Saturday night and I am not going out drinking or having a big party (like I always dreamed). But I’m okay with that. I know that I am strong enough to fight for what I really want (e.g. independence to live on my own and travel) and do not hate my roots for the restrictions and harm it has caused me growing up.

Today I am 18.

My love-life is non-existent and I’m not complaining. Every encounter I have had with relationships or crushes has been brutally disappointing. Mostly because my true self is not very compatible with a lot of guys. I have to supress a lot to be in most conventional relationships and it is tiring. I am deciding that I’d rather be alone and know where everyone stands than be with people who don’t really want to know me or care about my well being. I am not an average girl and so I am not settling with an average guy.

Today I am 18.

Only one friend messaged me  remembering this. This would’ve been different if I was still on Facebook but I’m glad I can see who still remembers me. I am not lamenting on my lack of social life and my mother is still pushing me to have a party. But I like it better this way.

Today I am 18.

I  want people to realise that my actions and words are not part of some “awkward-teen” phase. I want the people in my life to see m more for who I truly am and accept it. Accept my decisions and respect me not for my blind obedience but for courage.  Who I am now is who I am becoming.

Today I am 18.

I have so much to experience and this is only the beginning. I hope from now on to experience so much more vibrancy in life. To have a sensual, spiritual experience as I strive for my happiness in being my authentic self.

As I look back on my teen years and childhood, I see one fluid progression. Experience after experience that have made the patchwork of my life; It is beautiful. Despite the pain, terror and darkness sown in, I see light and happiness and laughter in every stitch. I am a girl in progress. I cry because I have overcome a lot and because I have a lot to conquer.

Today I am 18.

 

 

 

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